Am Kshe Oref, in response to a post by Rabbi Maryles (link is in Am Kshe Oref's post), discusses the question of whether biographies of religious figures should portray them as perfect, or whether it should include what might be seen as "negative" information. He explains (which I agree) that if we see the figures as saints (a non-Jewish idea, by the way), we will feel that they were on an unattainable level, where if they dealt with challenges and made mistakes, we can relate to them and therefore strive to be like them.
I think another issue is what the definition of "negative information" is. I don't think the biographies neccesarily need to give actual negative charatcer traits. if the person used to be rude to people and changed for the better, maybe we could learn something from that but I could see leaving it out. However, why would it be negative to say that they had hobbies? That they enjoyed the study of history or math? And it is known that certain publications digitally alter photographs to make the people from previous generations fit a certain image that people have today. Obvously, if the person dressed that way or enjoyed those pursuits, he didn't feel anything was negative about it!
I don't remember the details, but there was a rabbi about a year ago who made a statement that high school rabbis shouldn't play sports with their students because the students will have less respect for them. (Again, I don't remember the exact details...) While there may be specific situations or communities where this would happen, I think the general consensus is that students enjoy the opportunity to see their teachers as human in an appropriate context. We have a good friend who is a successful middle school Judaic Studies teacher. His students and their parents have a lot of respect for him and he has done a lot for spreading a love for Judaism to kids who don't have a strong background. The way he accomplishes this is by being an authority figure in the classroom, but also approachable and "normal". He plays sports with the kids, makes jokes, talks to the kids about his interests...A student in his class can relate to him as a real person, while still having respect for him and, along with that, his Jewish values and practice.
Certainly there can be another extreme. My high school set up the teachers as "friends" and "cool." The few teachers any of us respected dressed nicer, were stricter, didn't share details of their personal life, and didn't gossip about other teachers. And of course, there is the overly negative approach in the entertainment news in which we hear the tiniest thing that any celebrity does wrong. But I don't think this extreme means that a respectfully written book can't share information that is of a non-negative nature, even if it shows that the person was a real person. Especially if it shows them as a real person.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Dream of Californication.....
Today I heard a commericial for a local car dealer featuring Governator jokes that had nothing to do with the ad. This made me think about how everyone is obsessed with California, and I thought it would be a good topic to "just jump in" to blogging again. I started by looking up some songs that immediately come to mind that deal with this issue, and of course the first one I thought of is Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Now, I never understood all of the lyrics when listening to the song so I looked it up and was impressed with how they expressed this idealized idea that many people have about California (by which most people mean Hollywood, and by which most people really mean "the movie industry" because the actual city of Hollywood is really run-down now.) And many people within the L.A. culture end up trying to live up to the fantasy idea.
Here's all the lyrics. And here are some of the lyrics that I thought best illustrated the way that L.A. culture has become this ideal for people in other parts of the country and even the world. And how it't not based on reality. (And, of course, the term Californication - because this idealized lifestyle includes sex, partying with the stars, etc.)
Little girls from Sweden
Dream of silver screen quotations
And if you want these kind of dreams
It's Californication
It's the edge of the world
And all of western civilization
The sun may rise in the East
At least it settles in the final location
It's understood that Hollywood
sells Californication
Movies come out of L.A. so they present a certain culture as the norm, which someone watching a movie in Akron, Ohio thinks is based on reality.
And buy me a star on the boulevard
You can buy celebrity status, you don't have to actually have any talent. Need I specifically mention a certain person
who is famous for being famous and manages to get out of doing jail time because of that status. Everyone believes they can come to L.A. and be discovered. Never mind that almost no one is "discovered" - they were already related to a famous person or they were very wealthy and paid huge amounts to an agent to get them in something.
Space may be the final frontier
But it's made in a Hollywood basement
When you watch Star Wars, you know it's not real. The culture shown on TV and movies is just as fictional -- especially on "reality TV". The term reality just means that it is not professional actors but people think it reflects the culture. (This is a topic for another time...)
And earthquakes are to a girl's guitar
They're just another good vibration
And tidal waves couldn't save the world
From Californication
Never mind that there is absolutely no way you can adequately prepare for earthquakes and floods - and some of the most wealthy people purposely live on cliffs that cause their houses to fall down in mudslides every few years. It's L.A.! The weather! The movie stars! Wow!
Here's all the lyrics. And here are some of the lyrics that I thought best illustrated the way that L.A. culture has become this ideal for people in other parts of the country and even the world. And how it't not based on reality. (And, of course, the term Californication - because this idealized lifestyle includes sex, partying with the stars, etc.)
Little girls from Sweden
Dream of silver screen quotations
And if you want these kind of dreams
It's Californication
It's the edge of the world
And all of western civilization
The sun may rise in the East
At least it settles in the final location
It's understood that Hollywood
sells Californication
Movies come out of L.A. so they present a certain culture as the norm, which someone watching a movie in Akron, Ohio thinks is based on reality.
And buy me a star on the boulevard
You can buy celebrity status, you don't have to actually have any talent. Need I specifically mention a certain person
who is famous for being famous and manages to get out of doing jail time because of that status. Everyone believes they can come to L.A. and be discovered. Never mind that almost no one is "discovered" - they were already related to a famous person or they were very wealthy and paid huge amounts to an agent to get them in something.
Space may be the final frontier
But it's made in a Hollywood basement
When you watch Star Wars, you know it's not real. The culture shown on TV and movies is just as fictional -- especially on "reality TV". The term reality just means that it is not professional actors but people think it reflects the culture. (This is a topic for another time...)
And earthquakes are to a girl's guitar
They're just another good vibration
And tidal waves couldn't save the world
From Californication
Never mind that there is absolutely no way you can adequately prepare for earthquakes and floods - and some of the most wealthy people purposely live on cliffs that cause their houses to fall down in mudslides every few years. It's L.A.! The weather! The movie stars! Wow!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Update on my Job Search
This is just an update for those of you who are interested. Then what I plan to do is post about the good and bad experiences I have had with various interviews.
As some of you know, I returned to work last April after my husband's job did not work out. In addition to sending out resumes, I signed up with an employment agency for which I had worked in Los Angeles and always been placed with very professional companies. I only had one job interview with a non-recruiter, and then was placed by my agency at the position I am in now. I was led to believe by my manager that this was going to become a permanent position, and since I was being given more high-level work I decided to focus my energy on that and postponed my active job search. About three months ago I was given a different story, and told that they are not hiring for day shifts, and since I was not able to work nights/Saturdays, there was not going to be any permanent opportunity. In order to keep my resume intact and still have some income, I have remained as a temp while returning to the job of looking for a job. (So I am looking for a job, have a job, and have the job of mom and wife. And very little money to show for all of these "jobs"!)
Anyway, I have had a total of 4 interviews since I re-started the process. (In addition to one which turned out to be a recruiter.) I am currently waiting to hear back about two positions. One is my ideal job though not ideal salary, but they have been very remiss in following up on the position. While it is possible they have filled it already and never told me, my understanding from dealing with them is that most likely they just haven't made any progress towards hiring. The other job was a random position I applied for and very far away, but it would appear that I am seriously in the running for the job.
The interview process has allowed me to get insight into the good and bad way that companies handle things and I will post a few ideas over the next week. In the meantime, I am continuing to send out resumes and there are several positions which I would love to be interviewed for. (Although the one that looked great is really far away, but I am applying anyway.) I will keep everyone updated.
As some of you know, I returned to work last April after my husband's job did not work out. In addition to sending out resumes, I signed up with an employment agency for which I had worked in Los Angeles and always been placed with very professional companies. I only had one job interview with a non-recruiter, and then was placed by my agency at the position I am in now. I was led to believe by my manager that this was going to become a permanent position, and since I was being given more high-level work I decided to focus my energy on that and postponed my active job search. About three months ago I was given a different story, and told that they are not hiring for day shifts, and since I was not able to work nights/Saturdays, there was not going to be any permanent opportunity. In order to keep my resume intact and still have some income, I have remained as a temp while returning to the job of looking for a job. (So I am looking for a job, have a job, and have the job of mom and wife. And very little money to show for all of these "jobs"!)
Anyway, I have had a total of 4 interviews since I re-started the process. (In addition to one which turned out to be a recruiter.) I am currently waiting to hear back about two positions. One is my ideal job though not ideal salary, but they have been very remiss in following up on the position. While it is possible they have filled it already and never told me, my understanding from dealing with them is that most likely they just haven't made any progress towards hiring. The other job was a random position I applied for and very far away, but it would appear that I am seriously in the running for the job.
The interview process has allowed me to get insight into the good and bad way that companies handle things and I will post a few ideas over the next week. In the meantime, I am continuing to send out resumes and there are several positions which I would love to be interviewed for. (Although the one that looked great is really far away, but I am applying anyway.) I will keep everyone updated.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Misunderstandings
I just had an interesting experience and since it was in the blog world I thought I would share it on my blog. (Especially since I am overdue for a post.)
Let me start by saying that I have been trying to avoid blogging about "the issues" as there are plety of excellent blogs on these topics which I read regularly. I also tend not to comment on these blogs because most of what I would say, usually gets said by others and I don't feel I have anything to add. Today I decided to comment on a post regarding seperate seating at weddings. As some of you know, DH and I had an "interesting" experience in this department when we got married. Basically, I was informed that certain people had to have seperate seating, including the boys and rabbis from my husband's yeshiva and my husband's family. (My SIL actually said, "If I have to sit with my husband I won't come.") We actually did a great job of getting everyone seated in a way that made them comfortable, even though it involved asking some couples who did not request it to sit seperately in order to fill the tables.
Then I found out afterwards that some of the boys who I went to the trouble of seating in this way had spent the morning before the wedding hitting on my single friends. Now, I would love to have introduced them to each other and had them socialize - but they and their yeshiva don't agree that this is appropriate. Great, I respect their view. But there was no reason for the seating to be the main issue - if you beleive that men and women shouldn't socialize in that setting, then don't. The external things like seating aren't going to help you if you don't behave the way that you believe you should behave.
Now, that said, Rabbi Harry Maryles is one of the blogs that most often says exactly what I beleive on these issues. He has a following of both people who strongly agree and those who strongly disagree, and unfortunately his comments section often turns into a personal battle between the same five posters from these two camps. Rabbi Maryles is great and has even been corresponding with my husband off-blog, but some of these disagree-ers can be pretty harsh. He posted today about the seating issue. So I basically wrote what I just said above, but I wrote in a way that I hoped would keep me from being bashed by the disagree-ers. Apparently I did too good a job of watching what I said. One of the people with whom I pretty much agree compeletly bashed my comment. Apparently I came off as Charedi ("ultra" Orthodox)! The fact is I agreed with a lot of what he said in his comment that was criticizing my comment - I just didn't agree that it applied to me! (For those of you who know me, I think you will find it interesting to see what he perceived my entire hashkafa to be from my two paragraph comment.)
But of course the reason he responded so harshly is because that is the tone of so many of the commenters and I think it is unfortunate. Mixed in with the bashing (from both sides) are always some amazingly insightful comments. Sometimes they are from a perspective which I do not share, but I am able to better understand how this other side sees things and that maybe they also have rational reasons for their views. Or, as in this case, we may even be in agreement if we can calm down long enough to hear what the other person is saying.
Let me start by saying that I have been trying to avoid blogging about "the issues" as there are plety of excellent blogs on these topics which I read regularly. I also tend not to comment on these blogs because most of what I would say, usually gets said by others and I don't feel I have anything to add. Today I decided to comment on a post regarding seperate seating at weddings. As some of you know, DH and I had an "interesting" experience in this department when we got married. Basically, I was informed that certain people had to have seperate seating, including the boys and rabbis from my husband's yeshiva and my husband's family. (My SIL actually said, "If I have to sit with my husband I won't come.") We actually did a great job of getting everyone seated in a way that made them comfortable, even though it involved asking some couples who did not request it to sit seperately in order to fill the tables.
Then I found out afterwards that some of the boys who I went to the trouble of seating in this way had spent the morning before the wedding hitting on my single friends. Now, I would love to have introduced them to each other and had them socialize - but they and their yeshiva don't agree that this is appropriate. Great, I respect their view. But there was no reason for the seating to be the main issue - if you beleive that men and women shouldn't socialize in that setting, then don't. The external things like seating aren't going to help you if you don't behave the way that you believe you should behave.
Now, that said, Rabbi Harry Maryles is one of the blogs that most often says exactly what I beleive on these issues. He has a following of both people who strongly agree and those who strongly disagree, and unfortunately his comments section often turns into a personal battle between the same five posters from these two camps. Rabbi Maryles is great and has even been corresponding with my husband off-blog, but some of these disagree-ers can be pretty harsh. He posted today about the seating issue. So I basically wrote what I just said above, but I wrote in a way that I hoped would keep me from being bashed by the disagree-ers. Apparently I did too good a job of watching what I said. One of the people with whom I pretty much agree compeletly bashed my comment. Apparently I came off as Charedi ("ultra" Orthodox)! The fact is I agreed with a lot of what he said in his comment that was criticizing my comment - I just didn't agree that it applied to me! (For those of you who know me, I think you will find it interesting to see what he perceived my entire hashkafa to be from my two paragraph comment.)
But of course the reason he responded so harshly is because that is the tone of so many of the commenters and I think it is unfortunate. Mixed in with the bashing (from both sides) are always some amazingly insightful comments. Sometimes they are from a perspective which I do not share, but I am able to better understand how this other side sees things and that maybe they also have rational reasons for their views. Or, as in this case, we may even be in agreement if we can calm down long enough to hear what the other person is saying.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Creating Positive Change
One of my best friends is visiting this week. I always enjoy speaking to her about "issues" because she is able to explore and articulate the different perspectives of a situation without judging those with whom she disagrees. I alwasy end up feeling better equipped to judge favorably after speaking to her. Last night we started by discussing the conference she attended at which Gil Student, Rabbi Blau, and others were discussing the sex abuse scandal. She is not "in the blogosphere" so I was already familiar with a lot of the details of what had happened, and of course got onto UOJ and that whole situation. And I started explaining to her that, while the naming names on that blog was definitely a big problem, the lack of action over many years to resolve the problem in any other way must have created such frustration that the person didn't know of any other way - and sure enough, it got the reults that no other more Torah-oriented steps had achieved. (That's my basic understanding of that whole situation - don't intend for this post to go in more depth down that road.) I feel strongly that when the frustration gets to be so much and no matter what you do you feel helpless, people can get to a mental point where they do things that are definitely wrong but which they really honestly don't see any other choice.
My friend's response was that this is a dangerous premise because it can be used to excuse any number of behaviors when people get angry. She suggests a two step process when a person is that frustrated about a situation. First, calm down in wahtever way you are able - whether it's indirectly related (go for a walk) or directly related (write a letter where you let it all out but don't send it). Then, once you are calm, develop a plan of action. If this is a personal situation, this can be practical steps that are actually going to be productive. If it's a community issue, think about whether you would be able to speak to someone who can actually influence the situation. (As SephardiLady did with her letter to Rabbi Horowitz.) If it's a world issue or there really is no direct way you can act, look to the bigger question of what you might be able to do - for example, just by being a kind person you can start a chain of people being kind to each other. I am a member of FLYLady.com, and members have been posting for weeks about "Pay It Forward" actions that have influenced their lives in positive ways.
I still feel that the frustration itself is a serious issue and I will post more about this next time. However, I also found myself feeling more sympathetic to people with whom I normally disagree, once my friend showed how they were also acting from a deep feeling of frustration on their own issues.
My friend's response was that this is a dangerous premise because it can be used to excuse any number of behaviors when people get angry. She suggests a two step process when a person is that frustrated about a situation. First, calm down in wahtever way you are able - whether it's indirectly related (go for a walk) or directly related (write a letter where you let it all out but don't send it). Then, once you are calm, develop a plan of action. If this is a personal situation, this can be practical steps that are actually going to be productive. If it's a community issue, think about whether you would be able to speak to someone who can actually influence the situation. (As SephardiLady did with her letter to Rabbi Horowitz.) If it's a world issue or there really is no direct way you can act, look to the bigger question of what you might be able to do - for example, just by being a kind person you can start a chain of people being kind to each other. I am a member of FLYLady.com, and members have been posting for weeks about "Pay It Forward" actions that have influenced their lives in positive ways.
I still feel that the frustration itself is a serious issue and I will post more about this next time. However, I also found myself feeling more sympathetic to people with whom I normally disagree, once my friend showed how they were also acting from a deep feeling of frustration on their own issues.
Monday, November 20, 2006
How can you help?
Orthonomics had an excellent, sensitive post about how difficult it is for religious people who are in debt to deal with being uable to give generously to others. it is in our nature and so painful and frustrasting to have to turn down even simple requests to donate to the school or shul, let alone being able to give to others who are in worse situations than our own.
SephardiLady also asks, "What should the Orthodox community be doing, if anything, to help its members avoid falling into debt in the first place, or deeper into debt?"
1. Rabbis and others in the position to give advice should not encourage (or even pressure) young couples to engage in lifestyle choices that will put them in seriously poor financial straits. My husband's rabbi (at the time we were married) knew that my husband would follow his advice and basically required him to continue in yeshiva. I questioned him on several occasions to find out how he felt we would be able to make it financially. His response was that when he was in yeshiva they managed to do fine. Then he admitted that he didn't know how and I should ask his wife. His wife's answer? Their parents supported them! If you put yourself in a position where you are giving advice that you believe will be followed, take responsibility for it.
2. When offering job suggestions, offer real suggestions. A minimum wage or part-time job with no beenfits will not support a frum couple, let alone a family. Those who are in a position to have connections (especially business owners) should make a real effort to reach out to hire people in the frum community to real positions. Rabbis should be going to their successful congregants to tell them to make these efforts. There are several major businesses here whose owners are members of local shuls and do not make any effort to help those who are looking for jobs.
3. There is a need in the community at large for more access to free loans. Speaking anecdotely from my own and other people's experiences, it is currently a very negative experience to ask for these loans to help get out of debt, and is often denied. (One person who went for help ended up with the agency calling his anti-Orthodox parents who lied baout him and the agency chose to believe them and deny him help.) This is halacha.
4. Something everyone can do - be supportive. Genuinely supportive. If you might be able to help them make connections, do so. (Just telling them a name of "someone who might be hiring" will probably not help them at all unless you are willing to make a follow-up call to the hiring manager or be listed as a reference. Even better if you can forward the resume with a note yourself.) If not, maybe you have other expertise that you can help them with. Or you actually have the means to help them financially with a loan. Or with other things they need - we certainly would not have made it at all without the generous boxes of clothing that continue to show up at our door for the kids. If not, at least be a sensitive person.
SephardiLady also asks, "What should the Orthodox community be doing, if anything, to help its members avoid falling into debt in the first place, or deeper into debt?"
1. Rabbis and others in the position to give advice should not encourage (or even pressure) young couples to engage in lifestyle choices that will put them in seriously poor financial straits. My husband's rabbi (at the time we were married) knew that my husband would follow his advice and basically required him to continue in yeshiva. I questioned him on several occasions to find out how he felt we would be able to make it financially. His response was that when he was in yeshiva they managed to do fine. Then he admitted that he didn't know how and I should ask his wife. His wife's answer? Their parents supported them! If you put yourself in a position where you are giving advice that you believe will be followed, take responsibility for it.
2. When offering job suggestions, offer real suggestions. A minimum wage or part-time job with no beenfits will not support a frum couple, let alone a family. Those who are in a position to have connections (especially business owners) should make a real effort to reach out to hire people in the frum community to real positions. Rabbis should be going to their successful congregants to tell them to make these efforts. There are several major businesses here whose owners are members of local shuls and do not make any effort to help those who are looking for jobs.
3. There is a need in the community at large for more access to free loans. Speaking anecdotely from my own and other people's experiences, it is currently a very negative experience to ask for these loans to help get out of debt, and is often denied. (One person who went for help ended up with the agency calling his anti-Orthodox parents who lied baout him and the agency chose to believe them and deny him help.) This is halacha.
4. Something everyone can do - be supportive. Genuinely supportive. If you might be able to help them make connections, do so. (Just telling them a name of "someone who might be hiring" will probably not help them at all unless you are willing to make a follow-up call to the hiring manager or be listed as a reference. Even better if you can forward the resume with a note yourself.) If not, maybe you have other expertise that you can help them with. Or you actually have the means to help them financially with a loan. Or with other things they need - we certainly would not have made it at all without the generous boxes of clothing that continue to show up at our door for the kids. If not, at least be a sensitive person.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The Plastics, Frum Style
Last night we watched "Mean Girls." First of all, I highly recommend it -- it was hysterically funny and not at all like I thought it would be. The focus of the movie is about the Plastics, the girls who always dressed perfectly, were obsessed with their looks, and everyone hated and yet desperately wanted to be liked by them.
I strongly believe that people are the same basic personality as a religious person that they would have been (or were) as a non-religious person. Baalei Teshuvah who have a falling out with their parents about religion would have had a falling out with them about something else. Men who spend no time at home because they are learning would have been workaholics. Men who hang around yeshiva all day and night as an excuse to spend no time at home would have gone out to bars or golfing all the time. Someone who is obsessive about ritual halacha would have been a strict vegan. (Of course some people are both but that is a whole other story.) And so on...
Which brings us to.....Hot Chanies! See Ask Shifra's great series - start at this link and then see her other follow up post since then. She really expresses it so well!
And Out of Town also wrote about cliques based on appearance.
Might as well make this into a mini-blog roundup because today Rabbi Maryles (Emes VeEmunah) wrote yet another great post on the extremes of the tsnius police. (He had another post on this topic sometime in the last few weeks in which he reveals that there really are official Tsnius Police! I will try to find the link later.) I especially love how he structured this post.
I strongly believe that people are the same basic personality as a religious person that they would have been (or were) as a non-religious person. Baalei Teshuvah who have a falling out with their parents about religion would have had a falling out with them about something else. Men who spend no time at home because they are learning would have been workaholics. Men who hang around yeshiva all day and night as an excuse to spend no time at home would have gone out to bars or golfing all the time. Someone who is obsessive about ritual halacha would have been a strict vegan. (Of course some people are both but that is a whole other story.) And so on...
Which brings us to.....Hot Chanies! See Ask Shifra's great series - start at this link and then see her other follow up post since then. She really expresses it so well!
And Out of Town also wrote about cliques based on appearance.
Might as well make this into a mini-blog roundup because today Rabbi Maryles (Emes VeEmunah) wrote yet another great post on the extremes of the tsnius police. (He had another post on this topic sometime in the last few weeks in which he reveals that there really are official Tsnius Police! I will try to find the link later.) I especially love how he structured this post.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Ask Shifra: Jewish Debt
Ask Shifra has a great post about how many of us are struggling with debt and expenses. She has opened up her comments for people to share their own experiences and I think it will be a great forum for people to feel that others understand. I know one of the biggest frustrations (besides the actual debt of course) is seeing other people who seem to have no financial troubles. but this applies to anyone's problems - it always seems like no one else struggles as much as you do. I do always keep in mind several specific people I know who face terrible situations, but it is still difficult.
Speaking of financial difficulties, I am dealing with an unfortunate turn of events on the job front. I had been rpogressing on my temp job, doing very advanced work and even enjoying some of it. After many times of asking the boss for a status, she finally told me that they were only hiring for nights and weekends. Since I can't do it because of Shabbos, I can't take the position. (She did not say it like that, of course - she just showed me a chart of what the open hours were and I told her that I would not be available those hours.) So that's the end of any hope for being hired in this position. She was really nice about it - she said to keep checking the job board at the company, tell the agency that I had her permission to take a different assignment, and let her know whenever I needed time off for interviews. But I was really tired - and I mean literally tired - of the job search and was hoping that I could finally just have a real position with a decent salary and benefits. instead, I am still on temp pay (not enough to even come close to covering our monthly expenses), and we are all uninsured.
This topic was the original subject of my blog and I will try to keep posting again. I also have a ton of articles that I saved to write about, so I want to start pushing those out even if I don't add my own comments.
One more thing - for those of you reading this blog who have helped us, I want to tell you how much it means to us. (I mean both those of you who have helped us financially and those who have provided their kindness and support in listening to us.) And I really appreciate anyone who is reading this blog because, well, it just feels neat to have readers! And to the specific person who has contacted me by e-mail - I am thinking of you and wishing you the best, and hope maybe we could even meet in person this year.
I hope to get back to blogging again this week but in case I don't I want to wish everyone a Shana Tova, a wonderful year in which we will each acheive what we need.
Speaking of financial difficulties, I am dealing with an unfortunate turn of events on the job front. I had been rpogressing on my temp job, doing very advanced work and even enjoying some of it. After many times of asking the boss for a status, she finally told me that they were only hiring for nights and weekends. Since I can't do it because of Shabbos, I can't take the position. (She did not say it like that, of course - she just showed me a chart of what the open hours were and I told her that I would not be available those hours.) So that's the end of any hope for being hired in this position. She was really nice about it - she said to keep checking the job board at the company, tell the agency that I had her permission to take a different assignment, and let her know whenever I needed time off for interviews. But I was really tired - and I mean literally tired - of the job search and was hoping that I could finally just have a real position with a decent salary and benefits. instead, I am still on temp pay (not enough to even come close to covering our monthly expenses), and we are all uninsured.
This topic was the original subject of my blog and I will try to keep posting again. I also have a ton of articles that I saved to write about, so I want to start pushing those out even if I don't add my own comments.
One more thing - for those of you reading this blog who have helped us, I want to tell you how much it means to us. (I mean both those of you who have helped us financially and those who have provided their kindness and support in listening to us.) And I really appreciate anyone who is reading this blog because, well, it just feels neat to have readers! And to the specific person who has contacted me by e-mail - I am thinking of you and wishing you the best, and hope maybe we could even meet in person this year.
I hope to get back to blogging again this week but in case I don't I want to wish everyone a Shana Tova, a wonderful year in which we will each acheive what we need.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Other People's Kids
SpehardiLady has a very thought-provoking discussion about disciplining other people's kids. However, it was actually Out of Town's cute post about her son's first day of school that led me to write the following. (I'll add in the links to you guys later.)
When my son and Out of Town's were babies, they were best friends. Well, they really had no choice in the matter, because we're friends and had them play together. And last year, I spent the first half hour (at least) every day in my son's classroom. So even though I didn't pick his friends, I knew all the kids very well. I could discuss them with him and guide him towards the kids I liked. There was one boy, the most mild-mannered child in school, who my son decided he hated. (In a 3-year-old, "I hate him" sort of way, of course.) I spent months trying to encourage him to reconsider and in the end they actually became friends, though now they are in different grades.
This year, however, I might not be able to be as much of a presence in his social life because of work. And because of him being older and more able to choose his own friends. And I am really scared about some of the kids in his class, and how they could either hurt my son or influence him. There are two boys who were not in his class last year yet he knew them from the playground and told me they were mean. I met them on the first day of school - they are best friends with each other, and they are definitely mean. There's also a little girl who told an explicit potty-humor joke at the lunch table and was making a point of not listening to the teacher.
I had horrible experiences going to small private schools for long periods of time with the same kids. (7 years of elementary school and then six years at another school.) There were not enough of each type of kid to allow healthy friendships. Instead. life revolved around the "popular" group and their decisions about the social structure. I saw a lot of perfectly nice people become scary between entering 7th grade and high school graduation. I reconnected with a former friend recently who had been part of my small group of friends in high school until he decided to become "popular." He spent two years passing us in the halls without a word, chose to remain in he regular classes instead of honors courses that he qualified for, got invovled with drinking and drugs, and I can only imagine what his dating life was like. Then a whole group of them went to the same college and arranged to live in the same dorm. Now, he has gone back to being a normal guy and told me that he really regrets that whole time period in his life, that he really dislikes the type of people he wanted so much to be with, and is now trying to get his life back together. Another very close friend had her life basically destroyed by horrible ahrrassment and sexual pressure during high school. She's also very smart and talented, but also got involved with drugs, excessive "dating" (you know what I mean by this), and presenting herself in a trashy manner with her choice of clothing and lifestyle. As soon as she got out of that environment and into a large university, she was able to succeed academically and socially. She is now a professional who dresses very classy, enjoys talking about literature and her many artistic interests, and just got married to a very traditional guy.
I could really go on with more examples but my point is that I really worry about leaving my sweet little boy around these kids all day. Some of the kids in his class are great kids and at the moment those are his friends. But there are only 15 kids in the class, so he is really going to have to socialize with all of them. Even the potty-humor girl.
When my son and Out of Town's were babies, they were best friends. Well, they really had no choice in the matter, because we're friends and had them play together. And last year, I spent the first half hour (at least) every day in my son's classroom. So even though I didn't pick his friends, I knew all the kids very well. I could discuss them with him and guide him towards the kids I liked. There was one boy, the most mild-mannered child in school, who my son decided he hated. (In a 3-year-old, "I hate him" sort of way, of course.) I spent months trying to encourage him to reconsider and in the end they actually became friends, though now they are in different grades.
This year, however, I might not be able to be as much of a presence in his social life because of work. And because of him being older and more able to choose his own friends. And I am really scared about some of the kids in his class, and how they could either hurt my son or influence him. There are two boys who were not in his class last year yet he knew them from the playground and told me they were mean. I met them on the first day of school - they are best friends with each other, and they are definitely mean. There's also a little girl who told an explicit potty-humor joke at the lunch table and was making a point of not listening to the teacher.
I had horrible experiences going to small private schools for long periods of time with the same kids. (7 years of elementary school and then six years at another school.) There were not enough of each type of kid to allow healthy friendships. Instead. life revolved around the "popular" group and their decisions about the social structure. I saw a lot of perfectly nice people become scary between entering 7th grade and high school graduation. I reconnected with a former friend recently who had been part of my small group of friends in high school until he decided to become "popular." He spent two years passing us in the halls without a word, chose to remain in he regular classes instead of honors courses that he qualified for, got invovled with drinking and drugs, and I can only imagine what his dating life was like. Then a whole group of them went to the same college and arranged to live in the same dorm. Now, he has gone back to being a normal guy and told me that he really regrets that whole time period in his life, that he really dislikes the type of people he wanted so much to be with, and is now trying to get his life back together. Another very close friend had her life basically destroyed by horrible ahrrassment and sexual pressure during high school. She's also very smart and talented, but also got involved with drugs, excessive "dating" (you know what I mean by this), and presenting herself in a trashy manner with her choice of clothing and lifestyle. As soon as she got out of that environment and into a large university, she was able to succeed academically and socially. She is now a professional who dresses very classy, enjoys talking about literature and her many artistic interests, and just got married to a very traditional guy.
I could really go on with more examples but my point is that I really worry about leaving my sweet little boy around these kids all day. Some of the kids in his class are great kids and at the moment those are his friends. But there are only 15 kids in the class, so he is really going to have to socialize with all of them. Even the potty-humor girl.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Worrying About Other People's Opinions
SephardiLady had a great post today about people butting into each other's business. She was specifically talking about people seeing you having a difficult parenting moment, and choosing to make it worse by adding unsolicited criticism instead of either minding their own business or offering to help. But the bigger point is that there will always be people ready to hand out judgement and criticism of everything you are doing. You have to live your life by doing what is right for you and your family, maybe asking the advice of close trusted friends, but not overly worrying about "what will everyone think".
When we moved to our community, we were familiar with one school which we understood was excellent. The friend who showed me around told me that she wanted me to check out the other school also, which is a Religious Zionist program. Based on our research of both programs, we chose the second one and are very happy. It never meant that we thought any less of the other school, just that we selected one that was right for us.
I heard about several people I am acquainted with whose children are in the other school and have a lot of complaints. But it would never be "acceptable" for them to switch schools. Then I found out that a person whose child has very serious issues is switching to our school because he is not getting the help he needs in his current situation. Unfortunately, the father had to add the remark that "some people won't speak to me anymore because we go to the other school."
First of all, I find that really sad. And also, I wish that this father wasn't so overly concerned with what other people think of him. It seems like this comes up in so many of the "issues" - school selection, shidduchim, choosing what community to live in or whether to learn full time or not. People need to take responsibility for making life decisions and not keep doing things that are making them miserable just because "everybody" will think negatively of them. (Plus they might be surprised at how many people applaud their decision if they make it confidently.)
When we moved to our community, we were familiar with one school which we understood was excellent. The friend who showed me around told me that she wanted me to check out the other school also, which is a Religious Zionist program. Based on our research of both programs, we chose the second one and are very happy. It never meant that we thought any less of the other school, just that we selected one that was right for us.
I heard about several people I am acquainted with whose children are in the other school and have a lot of complaints. But it would never be "acceptable" for them to switch schools. Then I found out that a person whose child has very serious issues is switching to our school because he is not getting the help he needs in his current situation. Unfortunately, the father had to add the remark that "some people won't speak to me anymore because we go to the other school."
First of all, I find that really sad. And also, I wish that this father wasn't so overly concerned with what other people think of him. It seems like this comes up in so many of the "issues" - school selection, shidduchim, choosing what community to live in or whether to learn full time or not. People need to take responsibility for making life decisions and not keep doing things that are making them miserable just because "everybody" will think negatively of them. (Plus they might be surprised at how many people applaud their decision if they make it confidently.)
Monday, August 21, 2006
We're Not the Only Ones...
Church fires teacher for being woman - Yahoo! News
Just thought this was a very interesting tie-in to many of the issues being discussed in the J-Blog world lately about gender issues.
Just thought this was a very interesting tie-in to many of the issues being discussed in the J-Blog world lately about gender issues.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Where People Get Some of Their Weird Ideas
Instead of a whole explanation of everything that's been going on lately, I will just jump right in with a real post!
I was very fortunate to have attended a serious learning program after I [became religious? became Orthodox? This is a topic for another post but anyway...] I truly believe that I wouldn't have genuinely been mitzvah-observant had I not taken detailed classes on halacha and Tanach. I would have had no framework for knowing the halacha. So I do understand why there are so many BT people who really don't know anything and just ask a rav questions on every single thing without understanding the process behind the answers, and then they do things that are weird.
One big example is, how do you learn the laws of Shabbos without taking classes? A lot of people seem to pick up pieces of information by spending time in the homes of frum people and doing "watch and learn." Which is certainly a component of learning what to do. But the problem is when you don't understand what you are seeing. And I am not just singling out BTs for that issue - people raised in a frum home don't know what parts of their home rituals are halacha, community custom, family custom, etc. unless they have formal halacha instruction as well.
Anyway, I chose to write about this topic because I recently had an experience that illustrated this situation. My husband was raised by BTs who had NO formal halacha instruction. They certainly have their own understanding of a number of things, many of which my husband does differently because of his learning, though there are things that he also has changed more recently as he learned differently. (I am trying to say this in a repsectful way and asked DH's permission to say this.) Anyway, there are a few things that come up that I see DH do/not do on Shabbos that are different than my understanding of the halacha. I almost never bring it up because they are minor things. (I am focusing on hilchos Shabbos only because this is the area that we studied in depth - when it is in other areas, such as holiday observance, I will assume that I am the one who is incorrect because he certainly has way more learning from sources in those areas.)
So after five years of marriage (!), I fianlly asked him what was the deal with putting towels over the pots on the stove erev Shabbos. And he said, "It's to keep them warm." I really thought all this time that it was some halachic thing for him. And I happened to know that it wasn't really halacha. But it gave me a reminder of how other people without that knowledge would approach things they see at people's houses - especially if they either didn't get a chance to ask or the person they asked also didn't know and gave them an incorrect answer. They might go through life believeing, for example, that you had to cover your pots with the kitchen towels, and may even either make up extra chumras about it (like what thickness of towel) or make actual halachic errors -- like not realizing that you actually can't do the covering after Shabbos starts.
Sadly, we personally know a really nice couple who are this type. They take everything that one particular rabbi says literally - even when they admit that it makes no sense to them. The wife does not have any formal learning as far as I know, and the husband is in the "learn Gemara all the time" mode that this rabbi subscribes to, rather than a broader base of halacha and Tanach. Their rabbi has chumras about kashrut so they stopped eating certain KOSHER things. (This rabbi handed out a list of acceptable hechshers and crossed off KSA). Their rabbi told them something about baby care on Shabbos that we believe they totally misunderstood and is now making their life difficult. The husband repeats ideas that he clearly does not understand -- it's like "here's word-for-word what the rabbi said in shul" rather than "I heard a great idea from the rav that I really liked and I want to explain it."
I have a related funny story on the topic of Learning to Daven from "Rabbi Art Scroll" but I will save that for tomorrow.
I was very fortunate to have attended a serious learning program after I [became religious? became Orthodox? This is a topic for another post but anyway...] I truly believe that I wouldn't have genuinely been mitzvah-observant had I not taken detailed classes on halacha and Tanach. I would have had no framework for knowing the halacha. So I do understand why there are so many BT people who really don't know anything and just ask a rav questions on every single thing without understanding the process behind the answers, and then they do things that are weird.
One big example is, how do you learn the laws of Shabbos without taking classes? A lot of people seem to pick up pieces of information by spending time in the homes of frum people and doing "watch and learn." Which is certainly a component of learning what to do. But the problem is when you don't understand what you are seeing. And I am not just singling out BTs for that issue - people raised in a frum home don't know what parts of their home rituals are halacha, community custom, family custom, etc. unless they have formal halacha instruction as well.
Anyway, I chose to write about this topic because I recently had an experience that illustrated this situation. My husband was raised by BTs who had NO formal halacha instruction. They certainly have their own understanding of a number of things, many of which my husband does differently because of his learning, though there are things that he also has changed more recently as he learned differently. (I am trying to say this in a repsectful way and asked DH's permission to say this.) Anyway, there are a few things that come up that I see DH do/not do on Shabbos that are different than my understanding of the halacha. I almost never bring it up because they are minor things. (I am focusing on hilchos Shabbos only because this is the area that we studied in depth - when it is in other areas, such as holiday observance, I will assume that I am the one who is incorrect because he certainly has way more learning from sources in those areas.)
So after five years of marriage (!), I fianlly asked him what was the deal with putting towels over the pots on the stove erev Shabbos. And he said, "It's to keep them warm." I really thought all this time that it was some halachic thing for him. And I happened to know that it wasn't really halacha. But it gave me a reminder of how other people without that knowledge would approach things they see at people's houses - especially if they either didn't get a chance to ask or the person they asked also didn't know and gave them an incorrect answer. They might go through life believeing, for example, that you had to cover your pots with the kitchen towels, and may even either make up extra chumras about it (like what thickness of towel) or make actual halachic errors -- like not realizing that you actually can't do the covering after Shabbos starts.
Sadly, we personally know a really nice couple who are this type. They take everything that one particular rabbi says literally - even when they admit that it makes no sense to them. The wife does not have any formal learning as far as I know, and the husband is in the "learn Gemara all the time" mode that this rabbi subscribes to, rather than a broader base of halacha and Tanach. Their rabbi has chumras about kashrut so they stopped eating certain KOSHER things. (This rabbi handed out a list of acceptable hechshers and crossed off KSA). Their rabbi told them something about baby care on Shabbos that we believe they totally misunderstood and is now making their life difficult. The husband repeats ideas that he clearly does not understand -- it's like "here's word-for-word what the rabbi said in shul" rather than "I heard a great idea from the rav that I really liked and I want to explain it."
I have a related funny story on the topic of Learning to Daven from "Rabbi Art Scroll" but I will save that for tomorrow.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Trivia question - Jewish communities
I am trying to post every day - we'll see how long that lasts! =-)
One of my interests, especially since we first did our research before moving, is hearing about Jewish communities where you wouldn't expect them. In a recent article about cities that are growing, I was surprised by one of the cities named and looked up whether there was a Jewish community there. I found a great article about the Chabad family who moved there in 2005, starting the first Chabad in that state. The article said that there are only five states left now with no Chabad.
Can you guess which five states do not have a Chabad, and what the sixth one was?
(It's not a trick question - it's really just the places with almost no Jews.)
One of my interests, especially since we first did our research before moving, is hearing about Jewish communities where you wouldn't expect them. In a recent article about cities that are growing, I was surprised by one of the cities named and looked up whether there was a Jewish community there. I found a great article about the Chabad family who moved there in 2005, starting the first Chabad in that state. The article said that there are only five states left now with no Chabad.
Can you guess which five states do not have a Chabad, and what the sixth one was?
(It's not a trick question - it's really just the places with almost no Jews.)
Thursday, June 22, 2006
P.S. About Our Rabbi
My husband came home tonight with a great encounter with Rabbi B (from previous post). He came up to my husband and said, "I have something to show you." He pulled out a piece of paper which was a to do list, and one of the items was to call my husband. Then he asked how he was doing and how his parents were doing, and apologized again for not having the chance to call them. He explained specifically the things with which he has been involved (including 4 upcoming weddings that he will be officiating.)
Can't help but compare to our former rabbi who would always say "I was just going to call you" if my husband called him. Only he wasn't just about to call. It was said in a very insincere way, like the kind of thing you say to make conversation. Other times he would promise to call - he even put it in his palm pilot once - and of course no call came. Then eventually my husband would call him and, what a surprise, "I was going to call you."
Anyone can be sincere. Even if Rabbi B wasn't so attentive that he actually followed up with people, I am sure he would sincerely say "I am sorry I have not been in touch," rather than putting on an act.
I really try to focus on people who are doing the right thing rather than go off on what could be endless stories of people doing the wrong thing, but the comparison just had to be made,
Thanks to everyone who is reading and/or commenting. Especially those of you whom I don't know in person.
Can't help but compare to our former rabbi who would always say "I was just going to call you" if my husband called him. Only he wasn't just about to call. It was said in a very insincere way, like the kind of thing you say to make conversation. Other times he would promise to call - he even put it in his palm pilot once - and of course no call came. Then eventually my husband would call him and, what a surprise, "I was going to call you."
Anyone can be sincere. Even if Rabbi B wasn't so attentive that he actually followed up with people, I am sure he would sincerely say "I am sorry I have not been in touch," rather than putting on an act.
I really try to focus on people who are doing the right thing rather than go off on what could be endless stories of people doing the wrong thing, but the comparison just had to be made,
Thanks to everyone who is reading and/or commenting. Especially those of you whom I don't know in person.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
How a rabbi should act
I still have way too many thoughts of things I want to post, but this will tie in to both my previous post and my comment on a very thought-provoking post by Shifra. I wanted to start profiling people who act the way we should, so I want to start with the rabbi at our shul.
I first met Rabbi B when he appeared at our doorstep with te welcome basket from the shul. Yes, our community does welcome baskets, and Rabbi B delivers them personally. And not just to "prospective members" -- he was very concerned about getting one to our friends who live in a different neighborhood and wouldn't possibly be joining the shul. He also brought a welcome basket to my husband's parents when he found out they moved here.
But making "first contact" is just the beginning of Rabbi B's attention to his congregants. We have frequently received phone calls from him "just to say hello and see how you're doing." He apologized profusely to my husband when he was not able to be at our daughter's naming at the early minyan. He apologized again for not calling my husband's parents more often - and they have never been to his shul. He then followed up by actually calling them. When he noticed my husband seemed upset about something, he inquired about it and made time to meet with us to basically be a sympathetic listener. He offered a few possible solutions but didn't attempt to solve the unsolvable by giving standard advice like "just have emunah and bitachon."
Rabbi B doesn't only do things to be nice, though. When there are halachic issues in the community, he will address it directly rather than do what will make him popular. One incident that stands out is when he lectured the congregation for allowing teenagers to hang out on the streets on Friday night. He specifically said that it is the parents' fault and it needs to stop. He didn't worry that his wealthy members would take away their funding or fire him -- it is a problem and he spoke out because that's his job. On another occasion, my husband asked him a question regarding an issue that is political in this community -- the status of a particular hechsher (kosher certification). He directly admitted that it was simply a political issue, and told us the truth about the status. We were newcomers, and he could absolutely have just told us "don't use it," but instead gave us all the facts.
Rabbi B is a big contrast to a number of other congregational rabbis who unfortunately do not act in this way. There were a number of rabbis across the "spectrum" who hesitate to rebuke their community because they are afraid of losing the donations. There are too many times that someone feels that their rabbi doesn't care who they are because they are not a big donor. Certainly it is difficult for a rabbi in a large congregation to keep up with all his congregants. But when someone approaches them, do they make the time to talk or brush the person off? Do they allow a more "important" person to interrupt your conversation with them, or do they make sure to give you their full attention? Do they take the time to at least learn the names of the members? (We have a friend who was called ten different names by the rabbi - "I've been Dave, Steve, Leonard, Richard, Ronald, Frederick and Franklin" - and his name is not even close to any of these.)
Making people feel that you genuinely care about them, while also caring enough about their neshamas to rebuke when necessary - instead of just criticizing the behavior of other communities' members....That is how a rabbi should behave, and we greatly appreciate Rabbi B.
I first met Rabbi B when he appeared at our doorstep with te welcome basket from the shul. Yes, our community does welcome baskets, and Rabbi B delivers them personally. And not just to "prospective members" -- he was very concerned about getting one to our friends who live in a different neighborhood and wouldn't possibly be joining the shul. He also brought a welcome basket to my husband's parents when he found out they moved here.
But making "first contact" is just the beginning of Rabbi B's attention to his congregants. We have frequently received phone calls from him "just to say hello and see how you're doing." He apologized profusely to my husband when he was not able to be at our daughter's naming at the early minyan. He apologized again for not calling my husband's parents more often - and they have never been to his shul. He then followed up by actually calling them. When he noticed my husband seemed upset about something, he inquired about it and made time to meet with us to basically be a sympathetic listener. He offered a few possible solutions but didn't attempt to solve the unsolvable by giving standard advice like "just have emunah and bitachon."
Rabbi B doesn't only do things to be nice, though. When there are halachic issues in the community, he will address it directly rather than do what will make him popular. One incident that stands out is when he lectured the congregation for allowing teenagers to hang out on the streets on Friday night. He specifically said that it is the parents' fault and it needs to stop. He didn't worry that his wealthy members would take away their funding or fire him -- it is a problem and he spoke out because that's his job. On another occasion, my husband asked him a question regarding an issue that is political in this community -- the status of a particular hechsher (kosher certification). He directly admitted that it was simply a political issue, and told us the truth about the status. We were newcomers, and he could absolutely have just told us "don't use it," but instead gave us all the facts.
Rabbi B is a big contrast to a number of other congregational rabbis who unfortunately do not act in this way. There were a number of rabbis across the "spectrum" who hesitate to rebuke their community because they are afraid of losing the donations. There are too many times that someone feels that their rabbi doesn't care who they are because they are not a big donor. Certainly it is difficult for a rabbi in a large congregation to keep up with all his congregants. But when someone approaches them, do they make the time to talk or brush the person off? Do they allow a more "important" person to interrupt your conversation with them, or do they make sure to give you their full attention? Do they take the time to at least learn the names of the members? (We have a friend who was called ten different names by the rabbi - "I've been Dave, Steve, Leonard, Richard, Ronald, Frederick and Franklin" - and his name is not even close to any of these.)
Making people feel that you genuinely care about them, while also caring enough about their neshamas to rebuke when necessary - instead of just criticizing the behavior of other communities' members....That is how a rabbi should behave, and we greatly appreciate Rabbi B.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Thinking about chesed
I hope some of you are still reading - it has been quite a while since I blogged. Partly this was because of feeling a bit ill and having several out-of-town visitors including a brief visit from my parents. But mostly it was an old problem that has kept me from ever regularly keeping a journal - having way too many topics I want to write about and not just sitting down to write! (At the moment I have about six articles/posts that I want to comment on saved as drafts.) So I am just going to start with the following:
Renegade Rebbetzin had a post that expressed so well a topic I have talked about before and one which led my husband and I to move across the country a year ago. What does it mean to really help people?
Cool Yiddishe Mama wrote about her friend (whom I know) who is struggling to get help with finding a job and having a place to live and food in the meantime. I have another friend, "Jacob", who has also struggled with extreme financial difficulties for quite some time. A small number of friends have repeatedly helped him out, but he could not seem to find support and help from the community at large. What do these two people have in common? They are both gerrim, not long-standing members of a specific shul community, and have the kind of financial problems that people don't connect to their fellow Jew sitting next to them in shul. Poverty is something that happens to people in Israel or some widowed mother with ten children (chas v'shalom), not to the guy who I see in shul but have never introduced myself to. The rabbis who were involved in the conversions basically abandoned them after a few months. Jacob practicallly begged his rabbi to help him meet people at shul. The rabbi e-mailed about five guys to ask them to invite him to meals. He got one or two invitations, then nothing - even the rabbi only invited him once, and when they got seperated during kiddush he went home for lunch without his invited guest! As Jacob cannot afford to move to the more expensive area near the shuls, he was walking over 2 miles to get to shul. With no invitations, he then turned around and walked back home. Then he was seriously injured and could not attend shul for a long time, and no one noticed.
I could go on -- I could write ten posts about how I was treated as a newcomer when I married my husband and went to NY for him to continue in yeshiva, how we were treated when we tried to get $3000 in pay that was owed to my husband from a rabbi at the yeshiva, how we lived in a building owned by the rabbi of the shul across the street and with a frum manager but neither treated us as fellow frum Jews -- but instead I will try to cntinue tomorrow with examples of things that DO represent how Jews should treat each other and help each other. (There are at least three of my readers that will find their actions in my post!)
Renegade Rebbetzin had a post that expressed so well a topic I have talked about before and one which led my husband and I to move across the country a year ago. What does it mean to really help people?
Cool Yiddishe Mama wrote about her friend (whom I know) who is struggling to get help with finding a job and having a place to live and food in the meantime. I have another friend, "Jacob", who has also struggled with extreme financial difficulties for quite some time. A small number of friends have repeatedly helped him out, but he could not seem to find support and help from the community at large. What do these two people have in common? They are both gerrim, not long-standing members of a specific shul community, and have the kind of financial problems that people don't connect to their fellow Jew sitting next to them in shul. Poverty is something that happens to people in Israel or some widowed mother with ten children (chas v'shalom), not to the guy who I see in shul but have never introduced myself to. The rabbis who were involved in the conversions basically abandoned them after a few months. Jacob practicallly begged his rabbi to help him meet people at shul. The rabbi e-mailed about five guys to ask them to invite him to meals. He got one or two invitations, then nothing - even the rabbi only invited him once, and when they got seperated during kiddush he went home for lunch without his invited guest! As Jacob cannot afford to move to the more expensive area near the shuls, he was walking over 2 miles to get to shul. With no invitations, he then turned around and walked back home. Then he was seriously injured and could not attend shul for a long time, and no one noticed.
I could go on -- I could write ten posts about how I was treated as a newcomer when I married my husband and went to NY for him to continue in yeshiva, how we were treated when we tried to get $3000 in pay that was owed to my husband from a rabbi at the yeshiva, how we lived in a building owned by the rabbi of the shul across the street and with a frum manager but neither treated us as fellow frum Jews -- but instead I will try to cntinue tomorrow with examples of things that DO represent how Jews should treat each other and help each other. (There are at least three of my readers that will find their actions in my post!)
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Orthodox Apprentice
I just found the blog Orthodox Apprentice which has great background information about the Jewish finalist Lee Bienstock. It also has an interview with Lenny, who it turns out is a lot less anti-religious than the producers made him out to be.
Some interesting points:
- One of the tasks was during Sukkos and Lee did not take the day off but the comments suggest that maybe he didn't "work" on the task in his usual way. (There is an interesting debate in the comments about whether this is a chilul Hashem, or even a kiddush Hashem.)
- As I mentioned above, Lenny actually liked Lee from the beginjning and claims in the interview that he never had a problem with his taking off time for the holiday, but rather was saying that it is not looked at positively in the working world. He also went to shul for part of Yom Kippur and fasted even as he worked on the task.
- Tarek is quoted with praise for Lee's faithfulness to his beliefs and says that he was surprised that Lee didn't take off for Sukkos.
I haven't finsihed reading the whole site but want to do so before the show tomorrow. Go Lee!
Some interesting points:
- One of the tasks was during Sukkos and Lee did not take the day off but the comments suggest that maybe he didn't "work" on the task in his usual way. (There is an interesting debate in the comments about whether this is a chilul Hashem, or even a kiddush Hashem.)
- As I mentioned above, Lenny actually liked Lee from the beginjning and claims in the interview that he never had a problem with his taking off time for the holiday, but rather was saying that it is not looked at positively in the working world. He also went to shul for part of Yom Kippur and fasted even as he worked on the task.
- Tarek is quoted with praise for Lee's faithfulness to his beliefs and says that he was surprised that Lee didn't take off for Sukkos.
I haven't finsihed reading the whole site but want to do so before the show tomorrow. Go Lee!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Hurting Other With Words (Part 1)
Cool Yiddishe Mama writes about one of my "favorite" topics, people who worry so much about tiny details of tsnius, kashrut, etc. but hurt others with their words and actions on a regular basis.
I am not really in favor of the Lesson A Day program -- not because I don't think people should learn the laws of Lashon HaRa, but because I think many people honestly believe that any issue of interpersonal behavior not covered in that one sefer is therefore not a violation of halacha. In fact, the Chofetz Chaim's teaching on proper behavior extend to all aspects of how to treat others. (He even wrote other sefarim!) There are some excellent books that cover a broader scope of the halacha, including anything by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin (especially "Power of Words") and "Journey to Virtue" by Rabbi Avrohom Ehrman. (I love giving this book as a gift, and currently don't own a copy because I gave mine away.)
But then there's the bigger problem that has entered so many of "the issues" -- why does something have to be codified in order to be the correct way to act? Shouldn't it be obvious that Hashem needs us to be Not Mean? Maybe even, NICE? Why should I even have to write a post about "frum" people being rude and thinking it's ok because the exact thing that they said isn't mentioned in Shmiras HaLashon?
Like the person who was double-parked and had a bumper sticker saying "I don't speak Lashon HaRa" (or something like that), and screamed and cursed at another frum person who asked them to move their car, and claimed that "Nothing I just said is Lashon HaRa."
Or a rabbi with whom we were previously involved who had smicha from Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, emphasized learning the Lesson A Day in his shul, showed the Chofetz Chaim Heritage videos on Tisha B'Av....and yet constantly spoke negatively about former congregants and people he saw as "not frum" (which was basically anyone who did not wear a black hat). My husband was very close with this person and was told these negative things in many conversations. We're talking extremely nasty remarks. Then my husband "parted ways" with this rabbi and -- what a shock -- became the TOPIC of the nasty remarks.
I guess I am a J-Blog now.
I am not really in favor of the Lesson A Day program -- not because I don't think people should learn the laws of Lashon HaRa, but because I think many people honestly believe that any issue of interpersonal behavior not covered in that one sefer is therefore not a violation of halacha. In fact, the Chofetz Chaim's teaching on proper behavior extend to all aspects of how to treat others. (He even wrote other sefarim!) There are some excellent books that cover a broader scope of the halacha, including anything by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin (especially "Power of Words") and "Journey to Virtue" by Rabbi Avrohom Ehrman. (I love giving this book as a gift, and currently don't own a copy because I gave mine away.)
But then there's the bigger problem that has entered so many of "the issues" -- why does something have to be codified in order to be the correct way to act? Shouldn't it be obvious that Hashem needs us to be Not Mean? Maybe even, NICE? Why should I even have to write a post about "frum" people being rude and thinking it's ok because the exact thing that they said isn't mentioned in Shmiras HaLashon?
Like the person who was double-parked and had a bumper sticker saying "I don't speak Lashon HaRa" (or something like that), and screamed and cursed at another frum person who asked them to move their car, and claimed that "Nothing I just said is Lashon HaRa."
Or a rabbi with whom we were previously involved who had smicha from Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, emphasized learning the Lesson A Day in his shul, showed the Chofetz Chaim Heritage videos on Tisha B'Av....and yet constantly spoke negatively about former congregants and people he saw as "not frum" (which was basically anyone who did not wear a black hat). My husband was very close with this person and was told these negative things in many conversations. We're talking extremely nasty remarks. Then my husband "parted ways" with this rabbi and -- what a shock -- became the TOPIC of the nasty remarks.
I guess I am a J-Blog now.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Lag BaOmer Mini-Meme
I was wondering when we would start these! I was tagged by Out of Town and Orthonomics.
It is so hard for me not to listen to music in the car during sefira, so I was really excited to turn on the radio on the way to work. But -- it was ALL talk. Six stations, no music. I'm sure eventually they played something but nothing memorable. The first song that I like that I remember hearing (on the ride home, of course), was "Beautiful" by James Blunt.
I tag Every Artist is a Cannibal. He's a good friend with a great music blog.
It is so hard for me not to listen to music in the car during sefira, so I was really excited to turn on the radio on the way to work. But -- it was ALL talk. Six stations, no music. I'm sure eventually they played something but nothing memorable. The first song that I like that I remember hearing (on the ride home, of course), was "Beautiful" by James Blunt.
I tag Every Artist is a Cannibal. He's a good friend with a great music blog.
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