SpehardiLady has a very thought-provoking discussion about disciplining other people's kids. However, it was actually Out of Town's cute post about her son's first day of school that led me to write the following. (I'll add in the links to you guys later.)
When my son and Out of Town's were babies, they were best friends. Well, they really had no choice in the matter, because we're friends and had them play together. And last year, I spent the first half hour (at least) every day in my son's classroom. So even though I didn't pick his friends, I knew all the kids very well. I could discuss them with him and guide him towards the kids I liked. There was one boy, the most mild-mannered child in school, who my son decided he hated. (In a 3-year-old, "I hate him" sort of way, of course.) I spent months trying to encourage him to reconsider and in the end they actually became friends, though now they are in different grades.
This year, however, I might not be able to be as much of a presence in his social life because of work. And because of him being older and more able to choose his own friends. And I am really scared about some of the kids in his class, and how they could either hurt my son or influence him. There are two boys who were not in his class last year yet he knew them from the playground and told me they were mean. I met them on the first day of school - they are best friends with each other, and they are definitely mean. There's also a little girl who told an explicit potty-humor joke at the lunch table and was making a point of not listening to the teacher.
I had horrible experiences going to small private schools for long periods of time with the same kids. (7 years of elementary school and then six years at another school.) There were not enough of each type of kid to allow healthy friendships. Instead. life revolved around the "popular" group and their decisions about the social structure. I saw a lot of perfectly nice people become scary between entering 7th grade and high school graduation. I reconnected with a former friend recently who had been part of my small group of friends in high school until he decided to become "popular." He spent two years passing us in the halls without a word, chose to remain in he regular classes instead of honors courses that he qualified for, got invovled with drinking and drugs, and I can only imagine what his dating life was like. Then a whole group of them went to the same college and arranged to live in the same dorm. Now, he has gone back to being a normal guy and told me that he really regrets that whole time period in his life, that he really dislikes the type of people he wanted so much to be with, and is now trying to get his life back together. Another very close friend had her life basically destroyed by horrible ahrrassment and sexual pressure during high school. She's also very smart and talented, but also got involved with drugs, excessive "dating" (you know what I mean by this), and presenting herself in a trashy manner with her choice of clothing and lifestyle. As soon as she got out of that environment and into a large university, she was able to succeed academically and socially. She is now a professional who dresses very classy, enjoys talking about literature and her many artistic interests, and just got married to a very traditional guy.
I could really go on with more examples but my point is that I really worry about leaving my sweet little boy around these kids all day. Some of the kids in his class are great kids and at the moment those are his friends. But there are only 15 kids in the class, so he is really going to have to socialize with all of them. Even the potty-humor girl.
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6 comments:
I'm sure that if we talked to our parents, kol v'chomer our grandparents, we would find out that there common concerns were hardly on the radar for our parents.
Today things are so different and parenting seems to have become so much more complicated.
Where I grew up, most kids didn't go to school until kindergarten. Today it is basically a necessity. So back then, the friendships kids have were basically hand-picked by their parents. (I know mine certainly were. And, even in elementary school, my parents still were highly involved. I didn't go anywhere or socialize with anyone unless my parents had chatted with theirs).
Today parents of even young children and elementary school children are lucky to even know who the parent(s) of the children their kids are hanging out with.
At least in the frum world, we all know each other or know how to reach each other. But, we are also limited to a small group of potential friendships for our children and because of people's busy schedules, it isn't easy at all to hand pick friendships (even if you are home like me!).
In fact, while you are hoping to keep a good eye out on your pre-schooler. I'm trying to find friends for mine, especially friends that aren't too aggressive.
Goodluck. :) We miss you a lot.
It sounds like the people you mention in your post were too focused on their social lives and lost touch with their parents. I'm not worried anymore about whether my kids have friends; I'm more worried about them choosing their friends over us on a regular basis. Friends and socialization are highly overrated.
It's tough, but it will be like this is any school. You can only shelter your kids to an extent.
I've never understood how teachers and parents just stand by while a couple of snotty kids dictate who is worth something and who isn't.
I think you should talk to your son a lot about his friends.
Ask innocent questions to get an idea of friends he hangs out with and what they tell him.
Pragmatician-I went to a seminar on bullying put on by one of the local schools, and it seems that bullying is done very silently and most parents/teachers don't know it is happening. A culture of intolerance for bullying has to be created to combat it.
It's a shame that he's not in class with that cute curly blond haired girl this year. She would not want to get in with that crowd either.
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