Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Singles perspective
I usually put off posting great articles that I've read until I have time to make some comments, which I never do. So I am posting this without my own comment for now. I though this article expressed so beautifully the perspective of people who are single, and there are a lot of thoughtful ideas in the comments section as well. I think the main point is that we all need to be sensitive to whatever life situation our friends and community members are in.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
That is a very moving article. It made me cry.
I was about to write a very long comment and figured I'll just post!
It's hard to NOT cry at work. It is also hard to read an article like that when it feels like I wrote it myself.
Except unlike the author, I am not pretty. I am not so funny. I am not so smart. So it should be easy to find someone?
I am just me. And that just doesn't seem to be good enough for anyone. And heck, who'd want to just be 'good enough'. I want to be someone that someone is happy to see, happy to talk to and someone to look me in the eye and I would know... not hope or assume or pray... but KNOW that they are that person for me.
I have felt that way at times. But in the end, I seem to have not been Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right now until I find someone better. Just Mr. Right now until I'm bored with you.
Shul has been difficult. While the men I sit with always said hello. Afterward, off they went to their wives and children and other married friends for lunch. I stood there feeling like a disembodied spirit. I could hear and see everything but really... no one really saw me.
In my conversion class it was ALL couple except for me and one girl. Nice enough girl. But pretty, smart and obviously not interested in the likes of me. The teacher of the class tried to put us together. Inviting us both to stay over for Shabbos. Inviting us for lunches at the same time. "She a singer, you are a musician, it's perfect". Ummm... no. It might look like that on paper but no. Yes the girl was talented. Yes she was attractive - VERY attractive. But she found a way to not go to those lunches, as I was there - and didn't spend that Shabbos there when I was there... BECAUSE I was there. It was not said but enough was said that it was understood. "What is the teacher thinking trying to put YOU with me" and "How dare you allow it". I wasn't allowing anything or doing anything... anything other than feeling ashamed and like a leper.
Being a convert. Was that the problem? No one wanted to sell me off to anyone at the Shul because I was a convert? Did that make me 'damaged' goods? Or were they all just too busy, including my sponsoring Rabbi seemed to never have time for me.
Now reading back what I wrote thus far might 'sound' like a pity party. It isn't. It is my experience.
Maybe it is the house I grew up in? Maybe it is the feeling of never being good enough. Heck, never even being okay enough for my parents and others. Maybe it is the kicking that I've taken in relationships, jobs or from some so-called friends. Maybe all of that and time itself have buried any idea of self-esteem. But it is how I feel. And I don't know what to do about it.
I know someone that I have known for 2+ year, that I dated, that I love and that I have been great too. She on the otherhand has many issues of her own. She doesn't love me. Maybe she can't. Maybe she never did when we were together. Maybe she does but has too many 'things' to deal with and can't begin to open up to me? All questions and no answers. That all seems too familiar - all questions and no answers.
How can I be upset? How can I complain. I have good friends. I have good health, for the most part. And here I am complaining that I am not married?
Like the author of the story, I am shamed and embarassed as much as lonely and hurt. Two 4th of July's ago I went to San Diego to see my best friend. (I'll leave out names) His sister is also a friend and a lovely girl. She meant no harm but in front of 30+ people, as I arrived, she says out loud as I arrive alone "Jeff, Why are you not married"?
I was horrified, hurt, ashamed, felt like sinking. She didnt' mean to make me feel as such. I know her. But that is exactly how I felt. I gave her the two answers I always give when asked that question.
1) In the words of a great U2 song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (?)
and
2) I haven't found anyone that I am willing to give 1/2 my stuff to yet!
But yet the real answers feel more like.
1) I may have found a few that I that I was looking for but they can't be bothered with me
or
2) I am not married because I am not attractive, not rich, not famous and have pretty much nothing to offer other than just being a nice guy - and nice guys are nothing. Nice guys finish last. Nice guys always hear nothing more than "your such a good friend".
Maybe I should take 'bastard lessons'. Girls seem to go for the one's that are not attentive, even though they complain if a boy doesn't call when he said he would.... they still flock to same said boy.
Maybe I am just that guy... the one that no girl can ever really love. I am just Jeff. Nothing more, nothing special and nothing worth writing home about.
After all... my own parents have no interest in me, so why should a girl want to have anything to do with me. Why would she want to introduce something so average, at best to her friends.
This is how one feels over time. This is how I feel. It is how I have felt for ages. It is how one feels when they learn that those that have once said "I love you", never meant it at all. It is how one feels when one is nothing more than momentary 'entertainment', or so it seems.
So another year comes. Another year alone? Another year of asking G-d to help. But feeling like he, like the girls I meet, can't be bothered.
It's hard not to cry at work. So I won't. But inside... different story. And once I get home today... well, I can imagine that it will be a long and sad night.
Now that doesn't mean I am not happy to read the article Esther posted. I am. I am glad to know I am not the only one feeling lonely, hurt, ignored and then internally feeling selfish for even being upset by it...
... sorry for babbling.
Post a Comment