See my previous post for the article. I was about to write a long response to Selena, and realized that it was turning into a whole post....
I was also crying when I read this. I really hear her sadness and how bad some people make her feel. Many people do not think before they speak, and it is shocking how many really offensive things people can find to say. (And that doesn't even include things that most of us who are well-meaning say and do on a daily basis without meaning harm.)
Unfortuantely, those of us who would like to act in the way she suggests know the other side.
1. Unlike many people who talk about "the singles crisis," I am aware that not every person who is unmarried is looking to change that. And I am pretty sure that there are just a higher number of women than men who are concerned with getting married.
2. In addition, there are the people (again, I have heard it from more men than women) who believe they want to be married but aren't really interested in actually doing so. I know this because they choose who to date based only on appearance. My first attempt to actually try being a shadchan for a stranger was with a guy who seemed like a really quality person until he dropped the "she has to be skinny" thing into the conversation. Later on, he told me he had been having an e-mail correspondence with a lovely woman from our community who I am friendly with. Well, she is a full-figured person and I just knew he would never be interested in continuing. The weight thing, as has been discussed on so many other blogs, is the biggest issue but there are certainly other limits I have heard as well (no one divorced, no one over 30, woman can't be older than the man, and on and on....)
3. For every friend who feels as this author does, that she wants her married friends to make suggestions, there are just as many who would consider it offensive for me to make any attempt at assisting in their search. (Including women who go to random shadchanim, but don't want their personal friends to make suggestions.) I have a friend who goes to singles events, shadchanim, etc. But she got upset when a couple she met at our Shabbos table said that one of their best friends might be a good match for her, and wouldn't allow us to follow up on it for her.
What we all can do, though, is just try our best to not say or do things that will clearly be offensive. For example, the couple above could have spoken to me privately after meeting my friend instead of discussing it around the table. And as the author explains, this is not only about "singles" - this applies to everyone because we each have our own life situations.
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2 comments:
One can have 'preferences'. There is nothing wrong with that. But I wholeheartedly agree that discussing them around the table instead of in private with you... that is bad form.
Perhaps they might benefit from reading my first book: "Be Less Mean"?
The Ledge
My concern about "preferences" is when they become requirements without even meeting the person. Someone might generally be more attracted to blondes (for example), and turn down suggestions for dates when they hear the person has brown hair. (or in a social situation, not even try to get to know anyone who isn't blonde.) They have the right to do this, but if they ar truly looking for their partner in life, they are likely preventing themselves from meeting that person. (And even more so when the preferences eliminate almost all real people - like they need to be a size 2.)
On the other side, the "well-meaning" people need to discuss these things in private, not harrass people at the Shabbos table. (As I know you not-so-fondly have experienced on several occasions.)
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